To Know and Be Known by Your Spouse

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests,
but also to the interests of others.”     Philippians 2:4
STOP the insanity! The divorce rate in the United States is reeling out of control. The national divorce rate is currently at 50%. In California, 60% of marriages end in divorce, and in Orange County a staggering 70% do. This doesn’t begin to tell the story of all the lives negatively impacted through the break-up of marriages.

Many couples who start through our marriage mentoring course, Putting the “Happily” Into Your Ever After, see this program as their last hope to salvage a dead marriage. This comment by Michelle tells a common story: “Kevin and I have been married for over ten years—we live and sleep together every day—but I don’t feel like I really know him. And he certainly doesn’t know me at all.” She continued, “It isn’t that he has done anything really wrong. It’s just that we are so distant, more like roommates than two people who are supposed to be close.” What Michelle and Kevin are experiencing is a lack of emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy means being comfortable enough to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. It means expressing your fears, hopes, and dreams without facing judgment. Intimacy could be paraphrased as “into-me-see.”

It has been heartwarming to see couples rekindle their closeness by applying what is taught through our marriage enrichment program. One homework assignment is for the couple to plan two special dates together. The husband is asked to plan the first date and the wife the second. We ask them to leave behind the busyness of life and family. We caution them not to use this time to complain or be critical about anything. We challenge them to take the opportunity to look deeply into each other’s eyes and share intimately their innermost thoughts and dreams.

One of our couples asked, “If we don’t talk about work or kids, what will we talk about?” Realizing that some couples could use help getting the conversation started, we came up with the following questions.

Twelve Good Conversation Starters ~

  1. What would you like to put on a bucket list to complete in the next 10 years?
  2. What is something nice you would like to do for someone outside of our family? Why?
  3. What do you fear or worry about most?
  4. What would you most like to ask God?
  5. What are three things you love to do?
  6. Complete the sentence, “This is what I would like you to know about me in order to understand me better…”
  7. What is something important your parents taught you? How have you lived this out?
  8. If you created a mission statement for your life (family), what would it say?
  9. Name an old friend you would like to see. Why?
  10. What is your earliest childhood memory?
  11. If you won $1 billion, what would you do with your TIME?
  12. At what time in your life have you felt most passionate and alive?
Don’t allow emotional distance to get a foothold in your marriage. Plan a date night soon to have some intimate conversation with your spouse.

We invite you to view additional resources we offer at

May God bless and keep you in His loving care!

Ed and Angie Wright

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